It was brought to my attention that today is National Love Your Body Day!

I confess, I had never heard of this campaign but I have now read blog posts from some of my favorite women (MizFit, Merry Mary, and Roni)! Reading their blogs led me to new (to me) AWESOME women!

Reading the stories and seeing the pics & videos dredged up some feelings in me that I thought didn’t exist. Or maybe, they were just so buried that I had talked myself into believing they weren’t there in the first place.

Sorry, I totally rambled there.

Can I start over? I may ramble some more, but I am realizing that I have some stuff inside that I need to get out!

I have always thought I was fat! I don’t remember when it started but I do know that my mom had a lot to do with this; my mom was not always the nicest mom. I remember being in trouble and she would started yelling and she always went to a very negative place ~ calling me bad names, such as fatass and thunder thighs. These are probably the nicer ways she put it but I truly block a lot of this. My self esteem was pretty trashed. In high school I remember never liking my body. I always thought I could be thinner and prettier. I always felt like the fat one. I played soccer, I was a cheerleader, I ran track and cross country. I still felt fat and unlovable.  I truly thought that there was no way anyone would love the fat chick.

I look back at pics from high school and I cannot believe I ever thought I was fat!!

After high school life happened! and I reconnected with a boy I knew was no good for me! But, he said all the right words and did all the right things! Then I was 20 and knocked up and lonely! I was still with the boy but we were so off-track. He changed (or maybe I changed and he didn’t but for the first time I saw changes) and no longer treated me well. In fact, he treated me horribly! He constantly told me how fat I was and the further along I got the nastier he became. He was hurtful and vicious!! There are a lot more details here but I can’t bring myself to write them down just yet. He became (more) abusive after my daughter was born and I didn’t “bounce back” quick enough for him.  I put up with this abuse, verbal at first, for nine more months. My parents couldn’t make it work and I was trying so hard to give my daughter two parents. [again, this is definitely a longer story for another time]

I was 21 when my beautiful baby girl entered this world! She is absolutely everything to me! It took me 9 months to realize that he was no good and never would be. It took me 9 months to stand up for myself and my child and leave him.

But the battle to love myself and my body took a lot longer! I started to love myself the day I left him and became the mother I knew I should be!

When my daughter was two I went to college. I worked full time, went to college full time and raised my child (with no help from the sperm donor).  6 years of this schedule did nothing to help my body! I grew larger and larger. I graduated college (and got married 3 days later ~[another long story but a fabulous one with a happy ending]) in a size 18. Six months after that I quit smoking and hit an all time high of about 250 wearing a size 20.

I did not love my body!

I did not love (all) of my life!

I got tired and out of breath going up the stairs.

11/8/2008 I made a change! I joined Weight Watchers and started doing things to feel better about myself!

I think it was just this year that I started to love my body!

I started taking care of myself. I started eating healthy. I started walking.  I truly started to take care of me! YES, I still put my family first but I make sure taking care of me also takes care of them. WE are eating healthy and we are active and we are learning what this all means.

This post is getting long and I have so much more to say.  I have to get off the computer because my beautiful little girl (who is now 10 and growing up way too fast) is running in a cross country meet and I have to be there when she crosses the finish line!!

This will be a “TO BE CONTINUED…..”

Stay tuned! I have more to say and I will even post a pic! and I will tell you all the ways I LOVE my body!!

keep it real, jen